Write what you know

It’s been a little while here on the blog, since I, well…blogged. To be truthful, life has felt all encompassing, and physically sitting down to write – which I often say is one of my passions – has felt like a chore.

How did it get to this? I confuse myself with this question often; muddled ever so slightly by the positive affirmations that are basically rubbed in your eyeballs on Instagram: ‘remember why you started’, ‘never stop following your dreams’ ‘live, laugh, love’ – well, not that one, but you know what I mean. Haha.

But sometimes I don’t feel like I know why I started. The person who starts writing is sometimes not the same person at the end. I feel like there’s so many walls built up between myself and writing, writer’s block has become more of a writer’s sinkhole. I start, then slowly sink in.

Am I still in love with fashion? Yes. Do I still love to write? Yes.

The truth is some days I feel the exact opposite of who I ‘look like’ on social media. I always get comments that I am always smiling and that is true, I do smile a lot and always have. And it’s super hard not to smile in photos. Seriously! I’m conditioned! But I feel tired. Somedays I smile yet I don’t feel happy. Somedays I am not that person. When wearing nice clothes and taking a cute pic used to remind me of how much I loved my social media world, sometimes it doesn’t. I keep going, I know I will get out of my funk and I will feel joy in it again. And I do.

Sometimes the weight of the world is on my shoulders and I wonder why I spend my time on something so ‘frivolous’. But then I receive a beautiful DM from a lovely follower and I remember why. People want to connect with people who are in a similar situation from them. They want advice from those in a similar situation.

But then I look at my kids and sometimes I wonder if they will see what I have done as worthwhile? I guess time will tell.

Sometimes I cry. I feel lonely yet surrounded by people. I’m self deprecating to the point of self destruction sometimes. I see friends going on outings and doing things and I wish it was me, yet I don’t have the energy or the courage to invite myself or to organise anything.

I receive comments from friends and family saying they are proud of me, and I say thanks, and I mean it, but I can’t help to think that I am not doing enough.

Somedays I can’t wait for the kids to go to sleep yet sometimes I can’t wait to lie down with them and hold their little hands. I watch Netflix and zone out. I haven’t read a book in months, and I haven’t finished a novel in years.

The guilt, the pressure, the endless decisions to be made with the weight of the future looming on all of them. It’s so tiring. I try to find joy in the small things. A hot cup of coffee, a walk in the fresh air. Laughing with my hubby. Drawing with my kids.

My children bring me so much joy, yet have completely upended my life and I am completely different to the person I was five years ago. In many, many ways, I’m a much better person. And in some ways I think I’m much more boring and much more confused.

Embarrasingly I titled this post ‘write what you know’ because I’ve just finished watching the whole series of ‘Younger’ (it’s very bad/good and I would recommend) and that was just fresh in my brain.

But the truth is I don’t know what I know. You know? Life is beautiful, no doubt. But it’s so confusing.

Sometimes it feels strange to show vulnerability but here I am. And don’t worry, I’m ok. I just wanted to share that sometimes I feel like this and I don’t think I’m the only one.

Well, funnily enough I guess I’ve come to the end of this knowing two things: yes, the writer is a different person at the end, and it felt nice to get there. And also: it turns out I have written what I know.